We, the Australian people are YOUR employers. Get that, WE employ YOU and you have been caught with your pants down with regards living it up at our expense. As most of you clearly can not be trusted to act responsibly with our money, we are setting new rules.
Effective immediately these new rules will apply.
First Rule:
There are NO entitlements only legitimate modest expense claims.
- All expenditure must pass the pub test. The pub used to model the test is located five hours drive from the black-stump and is affectionately known as "Stumpy's Palace" as opposed to inner city or Eastern Suburbs pubs.
Second Rule:
You are not permitted to attend any function outside of your electoral boundary. Anyone caught straying will be taken down and hung by the neck until dead. Harsh yes, but we have had enough of your b......t justifications. Harsh measures are required.
Third Rule:
You are permitted to travel and charge that to tax payers using these methods of transport only.
- Bus,
- Train (not first class). If its OK for the PM then its OK for you lot,
- Self-drive rent a car nothing above the level of basic,
- Boat (preferably row yourself).
- Plane. If you fly it must be via low cost airlines. You MUST NOT turn left when boarding the plane. Electric fences are being installed on all aircraft just in case you try it. So it's down to the tail end for you lot. Sharing seats is actively encouraged. If you decide to fly yourself to try and beat the rules, you pay out of your already generous salary. Charter planes are strictly forbidden. Anyone caught on a charter flight will be shot down. The air force is on standby and ready to scramble at the word GO.
General Rules: Bonus points will be awarded to all MP’s who do share seats. You can cash your points in for lunch packs on your next flight. Packed lunches and pack-backs are available for a small fee.
Third Rule:
- Entertainment. Attending sporting functions is permissible as that's an Aussie thing to do. But, they must not be outside of your electoral boundary. Pies and beers at half-time are NOT deemed legitimate expenses and therefore must be paid for by you. All other forms of entertainment events are BANNED. This particularly applies to those requiring the wearing of hats, sequined dresses or tuxedos. You simply can't have government for the people by the people when the people's representatives are living it up at the Polo or the Opera House and the people are at home watching Gogglebox.
- Accommodation can NOT be claimed if you have access to a hire car as this can also be used to sleep in. Multi-purpose is the order of the day. In the event that tax payer funded accommodation is required (as an example for you to attend parliamentary sittings), tents are available for this purpose on a share basis. Minimum three per tent. Strictly no gender mixing. The last thing we need is another scandal. Space has been made available on the Parliament House lawn. Port-a-loos, BBQ's are also available.
- When travelling overseas or to other parts of Australia that requires you to secure accommodation (and in the event that Aunty Betty's house is full), lightweight travel tents are available from the Parliament House stationery cupboard. Note, these must be signed for and a fully refundable deposit is required. Tent space is available at all OS Australian & friendly embassies. Locally, the Police Station carpark is the preferred option. Saves them being called out when angry locals start protesting on hearing you are in town.
- Meal vouchers are also available when you collect your tent.
These rules are to be implemented immediately. More will be following shortly. Any MP found to be breaching these new guidelines will be paraded through their local streets naked, whilst your constituents (led by the local Pensioners Association) lob tomatoes and various other weapons of choice at you. From there you will be taken to the local stocks for a further 24 hours or until you beg forgiveness and promise not to be naughty boys or girls again.
Signed: Australian Public
