Australia Day Revised 2018

Given the usual Australia Day dog-fights that kick-off around this time of year. I've an idea. It's radical, I admit. But, it seems to fit with the attitudes expressed by some in our community. 

Sadly, Australia Day has turned into a day of division rather than a day to celebrate all the good things about us and our country. So, perhaps we should just get rid of it. Change the focus. I offer up some suggestions for your consideration.

1. Let’s Have A Blue Day (a good old Aussie free-for-all)
2. I Hate All Non-Australians Day (this might suit those who hurl abuse from behind the anonymity of an avatar on social media) 
3. Larrikin Day (good old practical joking and skylarking around)
4. National Fools Day (perhaps we could even shift the day to April 1st. This is for all of us who understand our history and tradition and who are fed up with self-serving activism)  

In taking a new approach we create a day when we celebrate the sport of belting the c..p out of each other; physically and verbally. The events can take any form; protests, sit-ins, social media storms. The only rules; no one dies and keep rioting to a minimum. A few broken arms and bruises are OK. Offence will be highly scored.

For the less violent, flag burning and defacing buildings is a good option. The Greens are usually particularly excited about this. In fact they ran a number of flag burning events in 2017. We can award points for flag burning creativity. Flag burning dances offer a range of options. Then we have defacing buildings; style, language and content will form the basis of the ratings for this category. Signs are a favourite. But don't forget, the sign holder is equally as important as the message. The more gormless looking the holder is, the better in my experience. So possums, put on your creative hats. Start planning for this one.

For those who prefer religious targets like attacking Muslims and Jews (as an example) I was thinking of the Aussie Patriots participation in his. I thought perhaps pig head throwing might have appeal. Although, as an animal lover I'd prefer if they used their own heads. We must include the lunatic fringe within the Muslim community. I was thinking of including a video section. Story lines threatening death to infidels could provide hours of enjoyment; special effects and language is key.

Those who prefer a more physical approach. Actually bashing people up (that includes groups on all sides) perhaps we could add an award for the most creative face masks. The little darlings do love hiding behind the mask. The Aussie Flag mask is always well regarded within this particular group. Attack techniques add another dimension. Weapons of choice of utmost importance. Plus of course the numbers arrested and hospitalised will be taken into consideration by the judges. All that good stuff. The boys will be boys contribution.  

Of course, there are many of us who do rejoice in our Aussism. Plus, we also embrace our diversity and what that brings to us as individuals and to our nation. We can still take part, never fear. We can be the spectators. Cast you mind back to days of old and jousting competitions. On one side you had the reds. On the other side the blues. Then you had the spectators. That’s us. We can boo and cheer to our hearts content. It's our job to award points to the participants in the various sporting arenas. 

Yes, this is a pile of rubbish. Juvenile sarcasm even. But, so is the way far too many carry on. Bullying, hurling abuse left right and centre. Attacking anyone who has the temerity to pop their heads up and say we are better than this.

As I listen to the words of this song, I think to myself this what we are. What we should represent. It's only a certain type of person who tries to stop us. I feel very strongly that we can't let them do that.  

"We Are Australian"

“We are one, but we are many

And from all the lands on earth we come

We'll share a dream

And sing with one voice

I am, you are

We are Australian” 

We should embrace all Australian's whether they were born on these shores or not, who are proud to be called Australian and who to celebrate Australia Day. After all it's what inclusion is all about.

As for those who don't want to be part of this. I really don't care what your circumstances are and that includes those claiming indigenous heritage if you don't want to celebrate with the rest of us then would you be kind enough to please just Sod Off. We will be kicking off a Crown Funding campaign to buy you a ticket out of here.

Happy Australia Day ...

Dear Australian Federal MPs: Your New Entitlement Rules Follow

Dear MP's

We, the Australian people are YOUR employers. Get that, WE employ YOU and you have been caught with your pants down with regards living it up at our expense. As most of you clearly can not be trusted to act responsibly with our money, we are setting new rules.

Effective immediately these new rules will apply.

First Rule:

There are NO entitlements only legitimate modest expense claims. 

• All expenditure must pass the pub test. The pub used to model the test is located five hours drive from the black-stump and is affectionately known as "Stumpy's Palace" as opposed to inner city or Eastern Suburbs pubs.  

Second Rule: 

You are not permitted to attend any function outside of your electoral boundary. Anyone caught straying will be taken down and hung by the neck until dead. Harsh yes, but we have had enough of your b......t justifications. Harsh measures are required.

Third Rule:

You are permitted to travel and charge that to tax payers using these methods of transport only.

1. Bus,
2. Train (not first class). If its OK for the PM then its OK for you lot,
3. Self-drive rent a car nothing above the level of basic, 
4. Boat (preferably row yourself).
5. Plane. If you fly it must be via low cost airlines. You MUST NOT turn left when boarding the plane. Electric fences are being installed on all aircraft just in case you try it. So it's down to the tail end for you lot. Sharing seats is actively encouraged. If you decide to fly yourself to try and beat the rules, you pay out of your already generous salary. Charter planes are strictly forbidden. Anyone caught on a charter flight will be shot down. The air force is on standby and ready to scramble at the word GO.

General Rules: Bonus points will be awarded to all MP’s who do share seats. You can cash your points in for lunch packs on your next flight. Packed lunches and pack-backs are available for a small fee.

Third Rule:

• Entertainment. Attending sporting functions is permissible as that's an Aussie thing to do. But, they must not be outside of your electoral boundary. Pies and beers at half-time are NOT deemed legitimate expenses and therefore must be paid for by you. All other forms of entertainment events are BANNED. This particularly applies to those requiring the wearing of hats, sequined dresses or tuxedos. You simply can't have government for the people by the people when the people's representatives are living it up at the Polo or the Opera House and the people are at home watching Gogglebox.

• Accommodation can NOT be claimed if you have access to a hire car as this can also be used to sleep in. Multi-purpose is the order of the day. In the event that tax payer funded accommodation is required (as an example for you to attend parliamentary sittings), tents are available for this purpose on a share basis. Minimum three per tent. Strictly no gender mixing. The last thing we need is another scandal. Space has been made available on the Parliament House lawn. Port-a-loos, BBQ's are also available.

• When travelling overseas or to other parts of Australia that requires you to secure accommodation (and in the event that Aunty Betty's house is full), lightweight travel tents are available from the Parliament House stationery cupboard. Note, these must be signed for and a fully refundable deposit is required. Tent space is available at all OS Australian & friendly embassies. Locally, the Police Station carpark is the preferred option. Saves them being called out when angry locals start protesting on hearing you are in town.

• Meal vouchers are also available when you collect your tent.

These rules are to be implemented immediately. More will be following shortly. Any MP found to be breaching these new guidelines will be paraded through their local streets naked, whilst your constituents (led by the local Pensioners Association) lob tomatoes and various other weapons of choice at you. From there you will be taken to the local stocks for a further 24 hours or until you beg forgiveness and promise not to be naughty boys or girls again. 

Signed: Australian Public