Politicians Career Path - Apply as Relevant to Party

I was reminded this week after friends of disgraced Senator Sam Dastyari said he would consider a career in the media (if he is kicked out of office) of what a farce politics has become. This was reenforced when you consider Cori Bernardi’s candidate in the Bennelong by-election. He is a 25-year-old recent law graduate who is working as a paralegal. 

We all whine and moan about career politicians. But dear voter we vote for them. This is how it works. 

Graduate from law school OR become a political staffer or union organiser ✅

Join a political party with the express purpose of running for office OR put your hand up for nomination from staffer ranks✅ 

Get nominated by the political machine✅

Get elected ✅

Fail as an MP ✅

Join a media organisation ✅

Then we wonder why we have so many ill-informed self serving failures in Canberra. And, we wonder why our media is one of the most biased in the world. 

Might be time to wise up dear voter. Don’t vote for candidates who have no experience and therefore can not possibly understand your issues, your challenges or your needs. Don’t vote for wet behind the ears students as a protest. Unless you want to shoot yourself in the foot and legitimatise the Politicians Career Path of Choice. 

“You're not supposed to be so blind with patriotism that you can't face reality.” ~ Malcolm X

A Trump Conspiracy Fable

Like most good conspiracy fables there are elements of fact. The key to the fable is to determine if the fable has merit.

This is a story about rich men, spies, traitors, leaks, confessions, high stakes games and what if's. It starts with the release of emails by Donald Trump Jr. So the story goes like this.

WikiLeaks Julian (I know everything) Assange was so eager to grab a headline he bragged on Twitter about encouraging Trump Jr. to release his emails. But, in doing that Assange divulged something really interesting. Assange tweeted he'd “Contacted Trump Jr this morning on why he should publish his emails (i.e with us). Then Assange said "Two hours later, does it himself.” The question is, how did he contact Trump Jr.? Does Assange have access to Trump Juniors direct line or mobile? Or, does he have his personal email address and if yes, why? 

It was an intriguing statement by Assange which raises even more intriguing questions. Why is Assange advising Trump Junior? Was it simply a matter of Assange trying to sound important. Or, is there a much darker and sinister reason for the contact?

If you recall during the election campaign, WikiLeaks released emails that Russian government hackers had stolen from the Democratic National Committee and others among Donald Trump’s opposition. But WikiLeaks claimed all along that it wasn’t working with the Donald Trump campaign. In turn, Donald Trump denied his campaign team had ever worked with Wikileaks. If you also recall, in April of this year Donald Trump gave the green light to arrest Assange. So I ask again, why would Assange be trying to help Trump Jr.? It also begs the questions, exactly how long have they been working together or in touch with one another? I find it hard to believe Assange was just acting out of the kindness of his heart.

All of the above is fact so now to my conspiracy. It has long been mooted that Assange works for Putin. I don't know if this is true or not, but I have my suspicions. Putin and Trump met last week.  What if based on that meeting Putin decided Trump was no longer useful? We know Trump is volatile and unpredictable. Putin would have already known that. But, what if after meeting Trump and witnessing how little influence Trump had with other world leaders Putin decided to cut his losses? Trump kept Clinton out of office something that Putin would have desired. But given Putin recognised that Trump is a lame duck in leveraging influence elsewhere, what use is Trump to him? Putin as we know deals with distractions.

So, now back to the emails.

Prior to the G20 social media was abuzz that something big was coming. We know someone has been leaking information about the emails to the New York Times. What if Assange has been behind the leaks? What if Putin (following the G20) instructed Assange to 'ramp it up' so Assange contacted Trump Jr. to suggest he let's Wikileaks release the full set of emails before the NYT does. According to Assange he told Trump Junior it would be better to be transparent. Why? What if Assange did this knowing full well Junior being what he is, would 'jump the shark' and release the emails himself. After all Trump Junior wouldn't want 'fake news' getting one up would he? Assange summed it up in a string of tweets he posted today. The last post in the string said it all.

There you have it. "By publishing it himself it is easier to submit as evidence." Yes, evidence against him given his previous denials.

 

If Assange, as he stated, contacted Donald Trump Jr. and advised him to let Wikileaks release the emails would he not have advised him doing it himself would make it easier to submit evidence against him. Or, did Assange on Putin's instructions set Trump Jr. up?

In my story Putin wants to use Trump Jr., to help speed up the removal of Trump Sr. because he is of no further use. All the distractions that are caused by endless enquiries are not helping Putin's cause. So Putin uses Assange to load the gun and, Trump Jr. (who isn't that bright) unwittingly pulled the trigger.

Despite all the lies Trump Jr; has told in the past he now produces the evidence that he was prepared to talk about the possibility of a foreign country (which is subject to American sanctions no less) sharing illegally accessed information about the opposition during an election campaign where is father is running for president. Game, set, match.

That’s where the conspiracy fable ends for now. The final chapter has not yet been written.

A Message from the Queen

I don't know who wrote this. It was doing the rounds in 2012 and has just resurfaced on Facebook so I borrowed it to share with those who enjoy humour (not humor) 😊

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
 
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters,  and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'  Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of  '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.  Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.  South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed  with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football.  There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)  when in season.

God Save the Queen!



PS:  Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

Australia Day Revised 2018

Given the usual Australia Day dog-fights that kick-off around this time of year. I've an idea. It's radical, I admit. But, it seems to fit with the attitudes expressed by some in our community. 

Sadly, Australia Day has turned into a day of division rather than a day to celebrate all the good things about us and our country. So, perhaps we should just get rid of it. Change the focus. I offer up some suggestions for your consideration.

1. Let’s Have A Blue Day (a good old Aussie free-for-all)
2. I Hate All Non-Australians Day (this might suit those who hurl abuse from behind the anonymity of an avatar on social media) 
3. Larrikin Day (good old practical joking and skylarking around)
4. National Fools Day (perhaps we could even shift the day to April 1st. This is for all of us who understand our history and tradition and who are fed up with self-serving activism)  

In taking a new approach we create a day when we celebrate the sport of belting the c..p out of each other; physically and verbally. The events can take any form; protests, sit-ins, social media storms. The only rules; no one dies and keep rioting to a minimum. A few broken arms and bruises are OK. Offence will be highly scored.

For the less violent, flag burning and defacing buildings is a good option. The Greens are usually particularly excited about this. In fact they ran a number of flag burning events in 2017. We can award points for flag burning creativity. Flag burning dances offer a range of options. Then we have defacing buildings; style, language and content will form the basis of the ratings for this category. Signs are a favourite. But don't forget, the sign holder is equally as important as the message. The more gormless looking the holder is, the better in my experience. So possums, put on your creative hats. Start planning for this one.

For those who prefer religious targets like attacking Muslims and Jews (as an example) I was thinking of the Aussie Patriots participation in his. I thought perhaps pig head throwing might have appeal. Although, as an animal lover I'd prefer if they used their own heads. We must include the lunatic fringe within the Muslim community. I was thinking of including a video section. Story lines threatening death to infidels could provide hours of enjoyment; special effects and language is key.

Those who prefer a more physical approach. Actually bashing people up (that includes groups on all sides) perhaps we could add an award for the most creative face masks. The little darlings do love hiding behind the mask. The Aussie Flag mask is always well regarded within this particular group. Attack techniques add another dimension. Weapons of choice of utmost importance. Plus of course the numbers arrested and hospitalised will be taken into consideration by the judges. All that good stuff. The boys will be boys contribution.  

Of course, there are many of us who do rejoice in our Aussism. Plus, we also embrace our diversity and what that brings to us as individuals and to our nation. We can still take part, never fear. We can be the spectators. Cast you mind back to days of old and jousting competitions. On one side you had the reds. On the other side the blues. Then you had the spectators. That’s us. We can boo and cheer to our hearts content. It's our job to award points to the participants in the various sporting arenas. 

Yes, this is a pile of rubbish. Juvenile sarcasm even. But, so is the way far too many carry on. Bullying, hurling abuse left right and centre. Attacking anyone who has the temerity to pop their heads up and say we are better than this.

As I listen to the words of this song, I think to myself this what we are. What we should represent. It's only a certain type of person who tries to stop us. I feel very strongly that we can't let them do that.  

"We Are Australian"

“We are one, but we are many

And from all the lands on earth we come

We'll share a dream

And sing with one voice

I am, you are

We are Australian” 

We should embrace all Australian's whether they were born on these shores or not, who are proud to be called Australian and who to celebrate Australia Day. After all it's what inclusion is all about.

As for those who don't want to be part of this. I really don't care what your circumstances are and that includes those claiming indigenous heritage if you don't want to celebrate with the rest of us then would you be kind enough to please just Sod Off. We will be kicking off a Crown Funding campaign to buy you a ticket out of here.

Happy Australia Day ...

Dear Australian Federal MPs: Your New Entitlement Rules Follow

Dear MP's

We, the Australian people are YOUR employers. Get that, WE employ YOU and you have been caught with your pants down with regards living it up at our expense. As most of you clearly can not be trusted to act responsibly with our money, we are setting new rules.

Effective immediately these new rules will apply.

First Rule:

There are NO entitlements only legitimate modest expense claims. 

• All expenditure must pass the pub test. The pub used to model the test is located five hours drive from the black-stump and is affectionately known as "Stumpy's Palace" as opposed to inner city or Eastern Suburbs pubs.  

Second Rule: 

You are not permitted to attend any function outside of your electoral boundary. Anyone caught straying will be taken down and hung by the neck until dead. Harsh yes, but we have had enough of your b......t justifications. Harsh measures are required.

Third Rule:

You are permitted to travel and charge that to tax payers using these methods of transport only.

1. Bus,
2. Train (not first class). If its OK for the PM then its OK for you lot,
3. Self-drive rent a car nothing above the level of basic, 
4. Boat (preferably row yourself).
5. Plane. If you fly it must be via low cost airlines. You MUST NOT turn left when boarding the plane. Electric fences are being installed on all aircraft just in case you try it. So it's down to the tail end for you lot. Sharing seats is actively encouraged. If you decide to fly yourself to try and beat the rules, you pay out of your already generous salary. Charter planes are strictly forbidden. Anyone caught on a charter flight will be shot down. The air force is on standby and ready to scramble at the word GO.

General Rules: Bonus points will be awarded to all MP’s who do share seats. You can cash your points in for lunch packs on your next flight. Packed lunches and pack-backs are available for a small fee.

Third Rule:

• Entertainment. Attending sporting functions is permissible as that's an Aussie thing to do. But, they must not be outside of your electoral boundary. Pies and beers at half-time are NOT deemed legitimate expenses and therefore must be paid for by you. All other forms of entertainment events are BANNED. This particularly applies to those requiring the wearing of hats, sequined dresses or tuxedos. You simply can't have government for the people by the people when the people's representatives are living it up at the Polo or the Opera House and the people are at home watching Gogglebox.

• Accommodation can NOT be claimed if you have access to a hire car as this can also be used to sleep in. Multi-purpose is the order of the day. In the event that tax payer funded accommodation is required (as an example for you to attend parliamentary sittings), tents are available for this purpose on a share basis. Minimum three per tent. Strictly no gender mixing. The last thing we need is another scandal. Space has been made available on the Parliament House lawn. Port-a-loos, BBQ's are also available.

• When travelling overseas or to other parts of Australia that requires you to secure accommodation (and in the event that Aunty Betty's house is full), lightweight travel tents are available from the Parliament House stationery cupboard. Note, these must be signed for and a fully refundable deposit is required. Tent space is available at all OS Australian & friendly embassies. Locally, the Police Station carpark is the preferred option. Saves them being called out when angry locals start protesting on hearing you are in town.

• Meal vouchers are also available when you collect your tent.

These rules are to be implemented immediately. More will be following shortly. Any MP found to be breaching these new guidelines will be paraded through their local streets naked, whilst your constituents (led by the local Pensioners Association) lob tomatoes and various other weapons of choice at you. From there you will be taken to the local stocks for a further 24 hours or until you beg forgiveness and promise not to be naughty boys or girls again. 

Signed: Australian Public